I haven’t had the words, lately. I’ve been trying, but I can’t put my life into order, or make any sort of sense out of it, lately.
Sometimes there’s just nothing to say.
In the past few days I’ve been able to feel the emptiness creeping back up, and there’s nothing nothing nothing I can do to stop it. It’s giving me fair warning, forecasting its eventual presence, like the sound of an oncoming train. But it won’t hit me with that sort of force, it will drift in like a fog, settle into my skin, take up residence inside me.
I don’t know what it is about me that makes living hurt. Fleeting beautiful moments crush me, because I can’t capture them and soon they’re gone, never to return. I know I’m lucky to have them at all, I wish they didn’t make me ache. The year is ending, things are winding down, but that’s not all. I don’t know why my entire life is tainted with longing, with melancholy, with aching for something indefinable, that I grasp briefly and is then gone, leaving me devastated. I don’t know how to deal with this part of being human.
Everything is fading. Is this how I’ll always be? Will I continue to burn bright for mere moments, and then fade to this, whatever it is, over and over again?
I don’t know. I don’t have the words.